Tuesday, July 30, 2013

"You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares."

...or "this girl knows how to party"...

Thank you for all your nice comments on my last post. C. is better. After five agonizing days in bed. And a ride in the ambulance to actually get to see the doc and find out he's got a slipped disc. He is taking a bunch of allopathic medicine, and while it's working wonders, we are looking into alternative solutions too. The doc himself pointed out that the meds were just a means to an end, to get him moving enough for his spine to readjust.
He's gonna be alright. No surgery. No MRI's. (Hopefully.) Just some pills and stretching. And a slightly terrifying insight into old age.
I realized too, after my last few posts, that I bitch a little much about summer around here. Summer is an intense time. Intensely busy. Intensely social. Intensely bright. Intensely lived.

As an introvert, it's only natural that it wears on me. In the summer, I hold my cards close to my chest. I keep more secrets then ever. I go on hideout walks and sneak into empty parking lots after work to have five minutes of quiet time with an ice cream cone and a copy of The Nation. No really, this is actually what I do for fun.
Each year I feel like I get better at dealing with being me. Being myself regardless of circumstances. Making the most how I want to be in the world.

This forced "vacation" around C.'s illness has afforded me some valuable insights, into how to cope with summer stress.  Call them my summer resolutions, if you will, and remind me of them, next spring, lest I forget.
1) It's important that we take a brake. And that C. and I spend some serious time together (even if it's laying in bed together watching Planet Earth and eating popcorn because one of us is too sick to be left alone).

2) I'm happier when I spend my social time with people who's company I genuinely enjoy, feel stimulated by, can tell my mind is expanding, even if it's sloshing around in some alcohol.

3) The creative things I do, are not only sacred, but actually keep me sort of sane. I need to make time for them.

4) That I be present, pay attention to where I am right now. To stop dreaming of fall and fall into the last month of summer headfirst.
This isn't just sound self-advice for summer, it's sound advice for life.
Because at my worst I'm often learning the most, gathering skills that'll come in handy in easier times as well.
So even with harvest season on hand, I'm inside, making zines and experimenting with leather and writing weird short stories until the wee hours. But just for tonight.


I'm rejoicing in the insanity of fresh food abundance, experimenting with recipes and making weird preserves, not fretting over how much there is to do, still, after a long day of making and doing.

I'll go to parties, to dinner, to brunch, because often do I end up having a ton of fun and I can always go home. I feel like I have so much more fun doing social things, the summer things, when I give up my social anxieties and just do what I want, whether it be partying all night, or going home at nine.

Because, and I would do well to remember this more often, I'm not a self-contained organism, but part of a pack, a whole species of yammering, laughing beings.

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So I'll make an effort to hang out with friends and talk about making, DIY, work, money, ideas, question things.

Make the most of it. All of it.
Make crazy big plans and tiny resolutions.
And once C. can walk again, we'll continue to take our post-dinner stroll to the beach.
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We may return with more meaty posts soon. In the meantime:

How's your summer life, your social anxiety, your sense of self, your and your family's health? Because you weren't mistaken, after all; I do care.


  1. good to hear that c is doing better. and fun to see the goldfawn and 'bear fams spending quality time together.
    sending hugs. xo

  2. hahaha! Liberty is gonna go bananas when she sees her mug on yr blog! It might go to her (PARTY) head! that sunset is bonkers/beautiful. xo m

  3. Summer-is jumping from the highest tree top to the deepest hole and hoping to somehow leap right up again. Social anxiety is solitary walks with jars of grapes, staying in at night to make wintry cookies in wistfulness. My self is confirmed! I feel crazy and cared for.

    This is a great post, Milla.

  4. I love you! My social anxiety is having a lull right now...........and it feels really good. So good that I'm deliberately not going to contemplate when it may yet again rise up and scare people the f*ck away. Shit, contemplation is about to occur. I keep wishing that there was a reason as to why it went away.....like....I finally found the magic combination of time with people and time without people that led to this ultimate wonderful balance. But if time has taught me anything, it's that it is inherent in me. I'm a thriving introvert with extroverted tendancies (sometimes); and eventually this is all going to become too much again and I'm going to hibernate...again. Your Summer photos have me salivating for long hot days...soon it will happen. xo

    1. Missed you. And yeah, you and me both.

  5. Mä niin tiedän mitä tarkoitat... Iltaisin kun suljen Frida marinan, nojaan selän tota paksua puista ulko-ovea vasten, huokaisen, naksautan lukon kiinni, hidastan askelia kotimatkalla niin paljon kuin mahdollista, skippaan ruokakaupan vaikka jääkaappi olisi tyhjä, koska en jaksa enää ainuttakaan ihmiskontaktia.. Niin paljon kun rakastan päiviä täällä kaupalla, mun asiakkaiden kanssa juttelua, kesäturistien poukkoilua jne, kun pääsen kotiin haluan vaan makoilla kissojen kanssa, päässä ihan omat ajatukset joita en välittäis jakaa kenenkään kanssa :). Suomen kesä on niin kovin lyhyt, joka vuosi sitä odottaa yhtä suurella innolla. Silti aina elokuussa hämmästyy kuinka valmis onkaan laskemaan siitä irti, päästämään syksyn sisään.

  6. glad to hear C is getting better. that sunset is insanely beautiful and that popcorn looks mighty tasty! my summer is going fine. very mellow and relaxing. but then again, i never have tons of social events anyway. i've been focusing on learning to be happy alone. ok, i'm never really alone considering i have 4 kids so i guess what i mean is i'm learning to be content without a lot of adult interaction. spending more time with my thoughts, books and prayer and trying to be more present with my little ones. it's been nice :)

    1. I second that, Anne. It was nice to be welcomed home from our Colorado trip by a bunch of our friends for a summer potluck and swim, but that's about as social as it gets around here :)

    2. See, I have like THE OPPOSITE struggle. I have constantly remind myself that I actually do enjoy other people's company at times. If it were up to my introvert side, I could quite happily be alone for weeks on end. So it's always a triumph for me when I don't go home, or when I keep a dinner date with a girl-friend.

  7. Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear about your partner being ill.
    I have been reading your blog for so long, that it feels like I know you two in actual real life....
    I'm sending you all my positive vibes from across the continent!

    I am also feeling overwhelmed this summer. I'm a coastal gal who is stuck land-locked in a major Canadian city, longing for ocean and home, finishing up a degree and lacking serious creative time.
    I just want to be at a cottage alone for a few weeks! Summer is supposed to be carefree, no?
    Though I did volunteer at a feminist youth rock and roll music camp - so that was the best week ever.

    I think we all have to remember to do one thing a day for ourselves. Have quiet time. I like your resolutions in this post, and I look forward to reading more!
    xo Much love from Canada


  8. Get poor C to a physiotherapist, they work wonders!

    Those last pictures of the red sky were just amazing :)

  9. All I can say is lots of love to you.